Thoughts about life in 2015-2017

My life as an undergraduate in NUS ended in 2014.

I started afresh at a new job in 2015 baring the title of a university dropout. Actually, my story is more of like.. I don’t like the mathematics degree I was pursuing; had no idea what else to do in life, so I took a break from school to gain some working experience and see how it goes. But.. who knows what the truth really is? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway a dropout.. sounds pretty gung-ho huh? I’m feeling a bit impressed by myself for going the unorthodox way. I’ve always been a.. goody-two shoes? ;D It’s definitely going to be a harder route. Just compare it with my sister who just graduated from NTU and earning 3 times more salary than the me right now, who have already worked for two years. Alas, life is fair. This is how much I can cope with right now, and so how much I deserve.

Of course, I’ve changed job since. Things weren’t moving forward at all so I took a leap in 2017 and went to another job. Like a wanderer without a goal, I went to another company. This is of course, just another transition period. A stepping stone? Because I’m preparing to study part time.

First of all, back in 2015 and 2016, it was a difficult period. I have no confidence at work, always feeling overshadowed by others. It took some time for me to build up self confidence. Cosplay helps. It lets me know how to pretend to be confident even when you’re not, because you want the photos to turn out nice. And it’s more fun when you are smiling rather than feeling worried over how terrible you might look. Whether I felt that it was a bad cosplay or not, a smile does go a mile. It brightens up one’s life, spread happiness to others and also for my own sake at times. Cosplay taught me make up which taught me confidence, which in turn gave me the courage I needed to pursue new things.

I took my first step to dance in public. I’ve always hidden in my room to dance, ashamed of how bad I am. But I learnt how to have fun, knowing you’re bad yet nevertheless trying to find ways to keep on improving. I’m grateful for the friends I met, both in cosplay and at dance. There are many frustrating times, such as when you can’t do a dance move properly, or apply makeup properly, or even pose correctly. Yet I’m feeling more complete with these two hobbies in my life. Else, I’ve always been an empty shell that doesn’t understand the world.

Fast forward to 2017, in my new job I have to get used to a new environment and new colleagues. I struggled with certain people. In the first place, I’m never good with strangers, but this job requires me to reach out to others. I have no choice but to put myself out there. Of course, it sounds like a simple job. But even from serving tea with wobbly hands to greeting guests, it’s something new for me. It’s always hard to take that first step, but once you do, things get rolling. I believe that the first step.. and the next step.. and the next is what moves people forward. I hope to continue step by step, just doing a little more each day.

Frankly, I still don’t understand what is there for me, I only believe in getting pass today, day-by-day. I’m awaiting for school to start in July, embarking on a new degree called Multimedia Technology. I feel that it isn’t what I’m good at. But it’s what I want to learn. I have so much to learn though, and I know I will struggle. But it’s okay, I have learnt some ways to cope with stress. I don’t want to give in to frustrations. I hope as an advice to myself, to learn to be patient and to lower your ridiculously high expectations. Do not force yourself with what you cannot do. But learn to deal with what you can actually do. After completing school, I hope.. to find a permanent job where I can commit myself to and contribute to society. What shall it be I really have no idea though..

I’ve gotten carried away. It’s really time for me to go to bed. End of my ramblings. See you on the next morning. ( ゚▽゚)/


I love blogging!

Recently, I visited my last blog – I stalked my own blog how creepy does that sound lol – and I realised how much more engaged I was with my blog back then as compared to right now. I used this blog as an outlet to share my drawings and I don’t talk as much. But back then I was very talkative and I blogged all my thoughts. Blogging was a medium for me to speak out, reflect and record down my moments. Basically, my blog acts as an online diary. Since abandoning my blog a year ago before I started this blog recently, I have lost touch with writing a diary. How could I have forgotten the joy of writing♥ I have just rediscovered a way to not let my thoughts be bottled up and found an outlet to let my words flow. (☆^ー^☆) I started blogging a little less than 10 years ago and am still loving it. Blogging banzai!

So guess what? I managed to dig up some of my old blogs. I shouldn’t even be listing them here because they are full of my childish rants and immature self. I read through some of the posts and I felt disgusted at myself. lol I used strong words just as hate and f-ck and I’m talking about blogs dating back 6 years ago when I was just 15. So, I was just being a teenager. An immature one. <(_ _)> I also checked out my old youtube account and I’m impressed that my old videos received over 30,000 views. Σ(ಠิωಠิ|||) I feel somewhat happy. (*‿*✿) It makes me feel like wanting to create videos again but I would have to think about what kind of videos to make. And so just for remembrance sake:

2012 – 2013: I was into writing reviews so yeah.. I feel a little embarrassed.

2012: I was into Hello! Project idols back then so there were a lot of such related posts. I’m still a Hello! Project fan though. (*´・v・) And some school related turmoil. (。_+)\

2009: Mostly daily life entries and I was into Johnny’s Entertainment (JE) idols back then so a lot of said related stuff. I owned many of their stuffs including singles and albums that are stored away in drawers untouched for a long time. lol

2008 – 2011: Some angry posts because I was stressed out by school. ☆ ̄(>。☆) And many Hey! Say! JUMP related posts. I was a huge, huge fan back then. I actually modified or should I say, give an extreme makeover to the site layout and personally designed the banner as well. I loved designing site layouts back then. I have lost touch now though.

And my old youtube account:  lkyann When I was JE-obssessed.

And a more recent -but not the latest- youtube account: dancedancemambo I also have a very embarrassing video of myself singing.

My latest youtube account – but there are no videos yet so I can’t be bothered to link it here. lol

I shall end my post here. Abruptly. I know. But I need my beauty sleep. lol It’s nearing 1am now. Shall continue writing tomorrow. Bye bye! Oyasuminasai.

My Thoughts About Life Right Now

I saw this quote about working towards your dream and it got me thinking that currently, I have no dreams. Maybe this is the reason why my life is really boring right now. I remember those days in primary and secondary school when I wanted to be a writer. So I started writing. I read many books and I wrote stories and kept journals. These activities were actually started by my teacher back then who encouraged us to keep journals and write short stories to improve our writing skills. I remember how I loved composition writing and spent a lot of time writing. This interest in writing continued on when I was in secondary school where I started writing blogs.

I love keeping blogs, especially loving the thrill of designing the site layout to writing posts. I write posts almost every day. It was fun researching for things to write about and I would spend hours editing my posts, even though no one probably reads them. I tend to write about idols. I was into japanese idols back then and my favourite group was Hey! Say! JUMP. I collected their CDs, concert goods and kept photographs of them. I saved every picture I saw of them on the net and downloaded all their songs – even those live versions. And I wrote fanfiction about them. Even while I was preparing to go to bed, this great story idea would keep me awake and I would hurriedly jot down the story outline before I forget it. I really enjoyed writing those fanfiction. I used to spend time studying grammar and  language use as well.

Those were interesting and fulfilling days. I am not a very creative person, probably drained all my creative juices during those days. Now, I am no longer excited about idols. I still listen to idols but my idol addiction was gone. I started watching anime and this got me excited for a while before the excitement died down again. Now, my life is extremely bland and nothing spices up my life. I lack goals and commitment. What should I commit my time to? I don’t read much now and I tend to get bored with the book (or perhaps I just kept borrowing boring books lol). I am a very bored person. (;*´Д`)ノ