Thoughts about life in 2015-2017

My life as an undergraduate in NUS ended in 2014.

I started afresh at a new job in 2015 baring the title of a university dropout. Actually, my story is more of like.. I don’t like the mathematics degree I was pursuing; had no idea what else to do in life, so I took a break from school to gain some working experience and see how it goes. But.. who knows what the truth really is? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway a dropout.. sounds pretty gung-ho huh? I’m feeling a bit impressed by myself for going the unorthodox way. I’ve always been a.. goody-two shoes? ;D It’s definitely going to be a harder route. Just compare it with my sister who just graduated from NTU and earning 3 times more salary than the me right now, who have already worked for two years. Alas, life is fair. This is how much I can cope with right now, and so how much I deserve.

Of course, I’ve changed job since. Things weren’t moving forward at all so I took a leap in 2017 and went to another job. Like a wanderer without a goal, I went to another company. This is of course, just another transition period. A stepping stone? Because I’m preparing to study part time.

First of all, back in 2015 and 2016, it was a difficult period. I have no confidence at work, always feeling overshadowed by others. It took some time for me to build up self confidence. Cosplay helps. It lets me know how to pretend to be confident even when you’re not, because you want the photos to turn out nice. And it’s more fun when you are smiling rather than feeling worried over how terrible you might look. Whether I felt that it was a bad cosplay or not, a smile does go a mile. It brightens up one’s life, spread happiness to others and also for my own sake at times. Cosplay taught me make up which taught me confidence, which in turn gave me the courage I needed to pursue new things.

I took my first step to dance in public. I’ve always hidden in my room to dance, ashamed of how bad I am. But I learnt how to have fun, knowing you’re bad yet nevertheless trying to find ways to keep on improving. I’m grateful for the friends I met, both in cosplay and at dance. There are many frustrating times, such as when you can’t do a dance move properly, or apply makeup properly, or even pose correctly. Yet I’m feeling more complete with these two hobbies in my life. Else, I’ve always been an empty shell that doesn’t understand the world.

Fast forward to 2017, in my new job I have to get used to a new environment and new colleagues. I struggled with certain people. In the first place, I’m never good with strangers, but this job requires me to reach out to others. I have no choice but to put myself out there. Of course, it sounds like a simple job. But even from serving tea with wobbly hands to greeting guests, it’s something new for me. It’s always hard to take that first step, but once you do, things get rolling. I believe that the first step.. and the next step.. and the next is what moves people forward. I hope to continue step by step, just doing a little more each day.

Frankly, I still don’t understand what is there for me, I only believe in getting pass today, day-by-day. I’m awaiting for school to start in July, embarking on a new degree called Multimedia Technology. I feel that it isn’t what I’m good at. But it’s what I want to learn. I have so much to learn though, and I know I will struggle. But it’s okay, I have learnt some ways to cope with stress. I don’t want to give in to frustrations. I hope as an advice to myself, to learn to be patient and to lower your ridiculously high expectations. Do not force yourself with what you cannot do. But learn to deal with what you can actually do. After completing school, I hope.. to find a permanent job where I can commit myself to and contribute to society. What shall it be I really have no idea though..

I’ve gotten carried away. It’s really time for me to go to bed. End of my ramblings. See you on the next morning. ( ゚▽゚)/

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