I’m too lazy to do a proper post on reflections for 2014. m(_ _)m So here’s a quick post for me to do a quick reflection of 2014. (Sorry, I didn’t even prepare a last drawing of the year ;_; I feel like a failure T-T)
I recall greeting 2014 being a ball of mess. It was years of stress taking a toil on my body. I fell sick and was a vulnerable baby. I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t eat. I became weak. Not only had my body suffered, I was emotionally unstable. I kept crying uncontrollably and was hallucinating. Days passed without me knowing. I was out of the world and only moments do I recall my painful existence on earth. I was too skinny, too unloved, too unsociable, friendless and too self conscious. I was upset at myself for not being able to cope in university. I was miserable and became depressed. I could not attend school as a result and had to apply for leave of absence, and I stayed home to recuperate for the first 3 months of the year. It was a period of fragility. Like a broken piece of cup, I was desperately trying to fix myself. During this period, my mum took leave from work to care for me. My relatives also came to visit me. They brought me out to eat, to shop and to have fun in order to inject some joy in me. But I was a dark cloud unable to smile. But I slowly began to smile.
I started to draw and I also started a blog to share my thoughts and drawings. And I was grateful for every comment, every reader, every subscriber and every like that I received here. T-T It makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I will take the chance to thank you guys for reading my blog and supporting my drawings. (❁´‿`❁)*✲ﾟ* I will continue drawing in 2015 and this time round I’m hoping to take drawing classes to learn more about drawing and create even more～
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In addition, I realised that many people loved and cared for me. I realised the simple joys in life such as being together with my family. Maybe it was the break from school and studies but I felt the warmth and my sadness slowly melt away. I became a happier person day by day.
I decided to work while I waited for the next school semester to start in August. Work kept me occupied so that my thoughts doesn’t stray. At UOI, I made friends and met many kind people. I’m grateful for the kindness shown to me once again.ヽ(；▽；)ノ
And then school began in August. It’s like a recurring nightmare all over again. Classes I took with beads of sweat and sweaty palms. I felt my chest constricting. And I thought, “Not again”. Every piece of Math homework given to us was like a knife stabbing into my heart. It stepped on my self esteem and made me feel like a failure. I contemplated for a very long time before I decided to give it all up. I seek opinions from everyone I could and had long discussions with my parents. Everybody has different views and it got me all confused at one point. But I listened carefully to my heart and I think it’s crying.
I took another break from school feeling at a loss. I wasted my school fees. I started working temporarily at Maybank. I felt handicapped at work. I thought, ‘if I quit school, I’m only left with an A Level certificate. What could I do?’ But I realised I’m happy. I made new friends and my colleagues are nice people. This is only a temporary job so I’m thinking about the next step. Should I go into childcare? I love kids and I feel that they will provide me chances to grow and develop as a person. What about becoming a florist? Being surrounded by flowers and learning flower arrangement can showcase your creativity and spark off inspiration. What about studying design? I was looking at graphic design and it brought a whole new perspective to my life.
This could be just me simplifying things. I know that no road is ever easy. I will surely meet with greater challenges than before. Would I be able to handle it? I don’t know. For all I know, it might be another wrong choice… or another breakdown for me. But I could only find out if I try. So I’m going to be braver than before and set out to pursue my dreams. What are my dreams? A designer? A florist? A teacher? Frankly, at this point I have no idea. But I know I don’t have to rush myself to make a decision. I couldn’t make a decision in the first place. Lol After all, life has its own plans for you. There’s no need to needlessly worry. Right? ^^
Last year I ended 2013 sickly. I’m glad to say that this year I end 2014 in pink health (extremely healthy in fact probably a bit too healthy I gained so much weight just omfg lol). To end this post, a big thank you to everyone who has played a part in my life. I’m really grateful. :’)
See you again in 2015!
On a side note, yay I going for my first countdown concert tomorrow! It would be the first time I stayed out so late. XP I felt probably a little rebelious. But yup I’m going to have lots of fun! Right? There I go again doubting everything and overthinking. It’s a bad habit…